The Paternal Catalyst Reformulation
by Hermy Puckle
Summary: (STANDALONE, NOT A SEQUEL) The arrival of Penny's dad results in Penny hiding out in laundry rooms, Leonard performing human experiments, and Sheldon just acting squirrely. (Shenny)
1. Blue Moon

_**AUTHOR'S NOTE IS VERY LONG. SCROLL ON PAST IF YOU WANT TO GET STRAIGHT TO THE GOOD STUFF!  
**_

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 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** WORRY NOT! This isn't just a cleaned up rewrite of TPC. This is a complete overhaul. You can consider it a reboot or a 'reimagining'. Either way, it'll be something new for those who have read The Paternal Catalyst. Keep in mind that while the first couple of chapters will be very similar to the original, it'll deviate after that.

 _ **WTF Hermy? Why?**_ I feel like I have to explain my progression of thoughts. Here's how it went down: I got bored and decided to reread some of my old fics. OK so that story isn't as interesting as I thought. Basically, I read The Paternal Catalyst and quite enjoyed it! I don't know about other writers out there, but usually I read my old stuff and practically pull a face muscle from cringing so hard. But this one, I was like, 'ooh, what is going to happen next?' Since I wrote it, you'd think it would still be in my head. Wrong.

What got me about that story is that it had potential and it went largely unrealized. To be quite honest with you guys, that fic was written in a mad frenzy. That's not hyperbole by the way; I mean it was my every waking moment for . . . well I don't know how long. Sometimes my muse just hits me over the head with the Bat Of Inspiration. I'm pretty sure I barely slept or ate. I only know that because that's pretty much what happens when I get really into a story. I do remember playing Phil Collins on repeat.

What I'm saying is that the story was rushed. I mentioned a subplot in my A/N on my original, one I said I couldn't get into the story. Well, I actually barely even tried. There were also some scenes I really loved but had to be cut because they involved discarded subplots.

And you know what, I recently got a whole slew of new ideas and scenes and whatnot to work into the story. So I thought, perhaps it's time to take another stab at this story?

 **I AM NOT GEORGE LUCAS!** I'm not deleting the original story. I did seriously consider replacing the chapters, but I thought that was way too confusing and also would put me into George Lucas territory and not in a good way. And you know what, there are people who will remain fans of the original, regardless of the reboot. The final nail in that was me deciding it might be interesting to later look back on these two stories and see how far I'd come writing wise. That part was purely for me.

 **For those who read the original:** The bulk of the plot will be mostly the same. The blurb of the original is a very good summation of the core plot and that will still be the structure of this. But many of the scenes have been redone and there are loads of new scenes. It also goes in a newish direction. The subplot I mentioned will feature in there. I realized that no character just revolves around one plot, but each have their own agendas. This is how it happens in the show and my fanwork should reflect that. I promise they won't detract from the main story. I also took into consideration a lot of your constructive criticisms. For example, the SMS-style dialogue is gone. And finally I hope the writing quality overall will be improved.

 **For those who haven't read the original:** There will be nothing lost by not reading the original. There are no wink-wink nudges in this story or any such fanservice. Reading the original will really just tell you the general direction in which this story is going. By all means, if you wish to read that first, and I know some people like doing that, feel free! If you want to read it second, that's cool too. But it is also totally OK if you don't want to compare notes. I don't just want this story judged in comparison to the original, but on its own merit. All you'd really get if you'd read the other one was spoilers.

 **Disclaimer:** _If I owned BBT, Penny's reflections of Omaha would be realistic. I'm going to break some hearts here but **there is no Junior Rodeo in Omaha.** That shit's in Fremont. But I will bend and presume Penny lives somewhere between Fremont and Omaha. My point is I obviously don't own the show.  
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 **Paternal Catalyst Reformulation  
**

 _Chapter 1_

 ** _Blue Moon_**

Without opening my eyes I knew the sun wasn't up yet. The light on the other side of my eyelids was a rich blue, that really pretty color the sky turns right before the sun breaks. But I didn't care how pretty the light was right then. I just wanted it to go away because it hurt like the dickens. It was like someone was driving nails into each of my eyes. When I tried to bury my face further in my pillow to get away from the devil light, a shock of nausea hit me. Well, I've had those two symptoms enough to recognize the symptoms of a hangover. _What the hell?_ Before I'd gone to that party last night, I'd promised myself I wasn't going to have more than a couple shots the entire night. I didn't just tell _myself_ that; I'd told Amber as well. Since she was our designated driver for the night, I put her in charge of cutting me off because I had to work the opening shift the next day. I should've known better than to depend on Amber. She hated confrontation and could easily be swayed with drunk-logic.

Eyes still closed, I decided then that there was no way I could sober up in just a few hours, at least not well enough to drive. Yeah, I probably could've taken the bus or, if I got really desperate, asked Bernadette to pick me up. I'd worked the opening shift hungover before and it absolutely horrible. You don't get very big tips when your skin has a greenish tinge to it. Then again it was also Friday mornings. The only customers I got were old people on their weekly field trips from the retirement community. Some of them were sweethearts but a distressingly large number thought 5% was a good enough tip.

However, I really couldn't afford to lose those six hours of pay. Well, technically I _could,_ but only if I didn't pay a couple bills. And I only ate ramen. To be fair, I wasn't really hungry for anything at the moment. But I would be eventually and it would be the mature thing to suck it up and go in, I'd decided. But then a fresh wave of nausea hit me from the sheer thought of moving. No, I couldn't go in like this. I might just blow chunks on someone. More than shitty tips, I'd risk my job. The mature thing would be _not_ to go sabotage my one paying job. Maybe I could just go donate plasma or something. 'Mmpf,' I moaned into the pillow.

... and froze when there was an answering snort.

My first thought was it was a pig. While this suggestion was probably heavily influenced by all the booze, it wasn't too far fetched. I used to sleepwalk as a little girl and once when I was staying with my cousins on their farm, I woke up in the middle of the pig pen. I only woke up when one of the pigs stuck her snout right into my eye. You do not know how truly weird a pig snout feels until it is jammed in your eye socket.

But while that would be the better alternative, I knew that snort didn't come from a pig. For one, there are no farms in Pasadena city limits. Secondly, while pigs are not as dirty as people commonly think, they do have a particular _smell_ and that smell was obviously absent. All I could smell was laundry detergent, in fact.

But not my detergent and that was way scarier than a pig snout could ever be.

As much as I wanted to keep my eyes closed and pretend I wasn't there, it was time to open them as slowly as humanly possible, to try to acclimate my eyes to the searing pre-dawn light. I squinted and tried to make out my surroundings. The room's curtains were drawn, letting very little light filter in, which I was grateful for; my head throbbed with what little light there actually was. The light was too faint for me to be able to make out any details. All I saw were the basic silhouettes of furniture but it was enough that I confirmed two theories:

 **1.** I was not in my own bedroom.

 **2.** I wasn't the only one in the bed.

I snapped my eyes back shut. OK, _Penny. Don't panic!_ Maybe I had crashed at Amber's house. Maybe she'd decided to drink, too. The house party was only a few blocks away from her apartment. Maybe Amber drank and we just walked back to her house. I was pretty sure she knew the hostess so her car was probably safe there. There was something niggling at the back of my mind at that thought but whenever I tried to bring it into focus it flitted away. It definitely had something to do with a _car_. I was probably along the right track, then. I took a breath and shakily whispered, 'Amber—' when an arm I hadn't realized had been under me unexpectedly tightened around my waist, pulling me flush against the body. I instinctively resisted, putting my hands out to push against the body but to no avail. The arm around me might as well have been a solid steel bar for all the good that did. The chest beneath my hands was flat and a bit hairy.

OK so _not_ Amber then.

 _Spazzy Penny!_ Oh, good god I panicked way too easily. It was probably just Leonard, then. It _had_ to be. He was supposed to be out of town for a couple days for a convention or symposium or something like that. But maybe he'd come back early? 'Leonard?'

He didn't answer, but he didn't need to. Because I had opened my eyes and found that I'd either sobered up a little or the room had gotten brighter. Either way, I could definitely see the man's face was most definitely _not_ Leonard's.

At that horrific realization, whatever was in my stomach gurgled threateningly. I had just enough time to roll backwards off the bed, land somehow on my hands and knees, and get my head over the small trash can that was conveniently right there before everything came out. Three rounds later, my stomach was sore but empty and I felt safe enough to sit back against the nightstand. I shivered and looked down in surprise.

I wasn't wearing anything but a bra and panties.

Oh god, oh god. _No, no, no, no-no- **no**_. I wanted to throw up all over again! I had cheated on Leonard! Leonard, probably the sweetest boyfriend I'd ever had, and I'd cheated on him! Ugh, I _hated_ people who cheated. I'd been cheated on by guys enough times and I knew how hurtful it was. I had absolutely no sympathy for cowards who had an affair. I'd even prided myself on not being one of those girls who even flirted with other guys! If any guy showed the remotest interest, I would always make it obvious I was taken and would nip that right in the bud. Always.

I looked at the prone figure. _Except not always._

A fresh wave of shame hit me. What a stupid, stupid bimbo. How could I do this! Being drunk was not an excuse! Alcohol only lowered inhibitions; it didn't turn you into something you weren't. And apparently deep down I was the worst sort of person. I glared at the object of my doom, hating him, whoever he was. But then the hate dissipated almost immediately. Oh, it wasn't his fault. I was the one who had a boyfriend, I was the one responsible for not cheating.

I immediately decided I had to 'fess up and tell Leonard. It would hurt him, and probably ruin any friendship we could hope to have. I owed it to him, though. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I kept on like everything was grand. He deserved to know.

First things first: I had to get out of there. Having that awkward morning-after conversation the agent of my demise wouldn't do anybody any good. If I was quick enough maybe I could sneak out before he woke up. I took a couple deep breaths until I felt like I could probably stand up without throwing up. Anyway my stomach was empty. I sort of crawled up the nightstand until I was standing. The room gave a sharp lurch but fortunately it quickly righted itself. Goosebumps crawled up and down my arms. Crap, it was cold.

OK step one _before_ the first thing was to find my dress. I knew I'd at least worn it to the party; that much I remembered. I looked down at the floor. There was enough light in the room that I thought I'd be able to make out a dress-shaped lump somewhere. Except there was nothing to even suggest a dress. It wasn't bad news quite yet. I could only see half the floor between the bed being in the way and the muddy shadows. Using the bed frame as a guide, I very quietly and very slowly made my way around to the end of the bed to the other side. Nothing but bare floor. OK, next option. The floor creaked under my weight and I froze, carefully watching the figure. He didn't move. Careful not to move too quick, I lowered my body to peer underneath the bed. It was dark under there but I could clearly see a strip of light from the other side with nothing obscuring it. To be absolutely sure I swept my arm out. Nothing. This place was hotel room clean, freakishly, totally clean. Like, clean enough that it would even get Sheldon's stamp of approval.

Well, it had to be _somewhere._ I mean, surely I had to have worn it _in_ , right? _God, at least let me have that last shred of dignity!_

I stood up carefully, trying to deduce where it could've gone. He kept the place really clean, so maybe he was a neat-freak and had hung my dress in the closet? _Idiot,_ I scolded myself. _Nobody's that bad, except maybe Sheldon._ The man in question let out a little huff, sounding vaguely annoyed and I came back to my senses. Ok, you know what? Screw the dress. It was a stupid clearance sale thing that was actually a little bit itchy, anyway. Plus, I wouldn't want it to remind me of when I became the thing I hated. In fact, I'd rather not remember last night at all. Without even deciding to do it, I'd been avoiding studying his face too hard, not wanting it to trigger some sort of memory. Ugh, I just wanted to leave. And my window of getting out undetected was getting smaller by the minute. But I also couldn't walk outside in an unfamiliar neighborhood in nothing but my underwear! _Improvise, Penny!_

I'd just steal some of his clothes. I mean, I was leaving him my dress so it wasn't even stealing, really; it was more of an even trade. I could make out a set of sliding doors and I lightly stepped over to it, figuring it to be his closet. Whoever this guy was, he must've recently WD-40'd the track because it was whisper-quiet and slid easily. I didn't want to push my luck, though and only opened it far enough that I could fit my arm in. My hand hit fabric and I heard a clacking of hangers. I froze as another annoyed huff came from the bed. When there was no other noise, I very gingerly grabbed a hanger at random and eased it up and off. I held up the item and was in luck: it was a t-shirt. _Who the hell hangs their t-shirts?_ Remembering the whole gift-horse-mouth thing, I pulled it on. While I'd managed not to make too much noise when I'd pulled it out, I didn't want to risk making more noise putting the hanger back in. I decided just to leave it on the soft carpet.

I waffled. Should I risk searching for a set of his sweatpants? I would feel much better if I had some sort of bottoms on. On the other hand, that shirt was longer than some dresses I owned. When there was yet another noise from the man in the bed, I had my decision: _Other hand it is, then._

In a weird sort of tip-toe and run hybrid, I skittered out of the room without a sound. I found myself at the end of the hallway and, hoping I was heading toward the exit, I began walking toward the opposite direction. But when I came to the end of the hallway, all thoughts of escape dribbled right out my ears. For it was much brighter out here than in that bedroom and what I could see was very, _very_ familiar. It was Sheldon and Leonard's living room.

Oh, good golly, Miss Molly, I about fainted in relief. My legs turned to jelly and I slumped against the wall. I felt so stupid. Of _course_ it was Leonard! I had been right the first time! I was clearly still drunk and had panicked over nothing. _Spazzy Penny strikes again!_ I peered down at the shirt I was wearing and there was indeed some logo on it I'd seen before. It was Star Wars or superheroes or something. Of course I wouldn't cheat! A little giggle escaped me. It was actually a little funny in hindsight. It would probably be even funnier when I was feeling better. I turned around and went back the way I came. Maybe Leonard was up, wondering where I had gone. I hoped he hadn't woken up because I kind of just wanted to get back to sleep.. I'd tell him in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever I woke up.

The door was open and I had slipped in before I took in the man on the bed before me. It wasn't Leonard

It was Sheldon.

My first thought was that I was in the _Twilight Zone_. Quickly following that thought was a more sober one: that I'd somehow gotten disoriented and went into the wrong room on accident. I was so drunk I'd gotten lost in their short hallway. Wow, OK. I really needed to sober up. I backed out into the hallway. I made sure I headed toward the _correct_ bedroom this time, feeling, for the second time in less than five minutes, incredibly foolish. The story of _Hansel and Gretel_ sprang to mind and I idly wished for some breadcrumbs to drop since I was clearly in no state to navigate. _Weren't pirates always drunk?_ I wondered, padding over to Leonard's open bedroom door. _They didn't have GPS then; how didn't they get lost at sea? Or did they get lost and their disappearances were where the Bermuda Triangle legend came from?_ I'd ask Sheldon later, I decided.

...and immediately forgot all about piracy when I took in the state of Leonard's room. The bed was empty and in complete contrast to the rest of the room, made. The rest of the room was a mess. There were books on every available surface. A stack of them had fallen off his nightstand and laid in a pile on the floor. They had a soft landing, though, as clothes were discarded all over the room. The room jerked to one side and I gripped the door frame. Where had all this stuff come from? The floor had been clean! Sheldon-level clean!

 _No._

Maybe I really _was_ in the Twilight Zone? Or maybe dreaming?

I found myself in front of Sheldon's door with no memory of the journey back. I peered in and my eyes immediately spotted the hanger I'd left on the floor. The smell of vomit drifted toward me. OK, so I had woken up in Sheldon's room! Leonard and I had once made out in Sheldon's spot; could it be that we turned the kinkiness up a few notches and had sex in Leonard's room? Except my eyes once again fell to the sleeping man and I knew now without a shadow of a doubt that it was Sheldon.

I must have blacked out for a second because next thing I knew I was outside his door again, just staring at it. I'd woken up in Sheldon's bed. What the hell was I doing in Sheldon's bed? I mean it was _Sheldon_ so obviously nothing happened, right? Only I hadn't been _dressed_ for nothing to happen.

And that's when I heard the worst possible thing:

'Penny?'

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 **A/N:** Writing sure takes you some weird places. I forgot the word 'track' and looked up 'sliding door' on wikipedia. First, it was surprisingly sparse. Since the article on the flushing toilet (seen in another trip down Wikipedia Lane) was a damn epic. Did you know they had sliding doors in ancient Pompeii?

Anyway read and review please. Unbeta'd still so feel free to point out any errors. Keep in mind that it _is_ from Penny's perspective and, as Sheldon frequently points out, her grammar isn't exactly perfect. I intentionally left in some quirks.


	2. How NOT To Commission a Blacksmith

_Disclaimer: You know the drill._

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 **Chapter 2**

 **How Not To Commission a Blacksmith**

'But Leonard-'

' _No,_ Howard,' groaned Leonard. The first few times Howard had begged, Leonard had been firm and insistent. He was no longer firm; in fact, he was pretty sure he could count on one hand how many more times he'd say 'no' before he folded like a bad poker player. 'We are _not_ going back so you can hit on that waitress!' He really didn't want to make that two hour trip back. Part of him wasn't too keen to return home, either. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what that message was about.

They rounded the second flight of stairs. Howard, not to be deterred, bounded around to the front like an excited puppy. 'Oh, _come_ on, she was totally into me! Didn't you see how she kept making excuses to come over to my side of the bar?'

'You mean where the cash register was?' Raj pointed out from his spot in the back. 'Dude, she was only being nice to you because you kept giving her big tips.'

Howard somehow didn't jump to the obvious layup for a salacious double entendre. 'Just because _you_ couldn't get that one chick dressed like Lara Croft to talk to you doesn't mean you need to rain on my parade.'

Leonard rolled his eyes and kept trudging up the stairs. Sometimes he felt like the third wheel of an old married couple. And as the third wheel, he knew it was in his best interest to stay out of their spats. He'd learned that the hard way early on.

' _You_ are the rainy one!' Raj shot back. 'You got us kicked out of the convention in the first place.'

Howard huffed. 'Well how was I supposed to know that booth babe's brother was head of security?'

'You just had to keep asking her to polish your sword!'

'Her character is a _blacksmith_.'

' _Would you two shut up?_ ' Leonard hissed, stopping on the landing. 'Sheldon is in there asleep and do you two really want to listen to his tirade?'

Both men remained quiet for a beat. When Howard opened his mouth, Leonard cut him off. 'Look, I'm not happy we had to come back early, either, but it's done, okay? Raj, you've got ten minutes to go in there and use the bathroom. Sheldon will be up soon so you have to be quiet and hurry. If you two don't stop bickering, I'm making you pee outside, understand?'

Raj nodded. Howard sighed in defeat.

'Okay.' Leonard was a little winded from his tirade, and more than slightly surprised that it had worked so quickly. He took out his keys and slid it into the lock.

He was one step in when his eyes alighted on a figure in the mouth of their hallway, back lit from the window. His first thought was that they were being burgled again. The figure shifted just enough that he could make out her face. 'Penny?'

Judging by her reaction, one might think she _had_ been caught in the middle of some caper. She spun to face him and stumbled a bit from the momentum, as if she hadn't been expecting to turn around. She took a few cautious steps into the room. Leonard could see she was squinting at him, like she wasn't sure it really was him. 'Leonard? Wh-where'd you go?'

It actually sounded more like _wherejoogo?_. Was she drunk, he wondered? She was getting closer to him, approaching him as if he were some frightened animal. Or she was. 'Um, the convention? Remember, I told you about it before we left Friday?'

She nodded solemnly and cast a glance behind her. 'Um...' Penny's face screwed up in confusion. 'When'joo get back?'

Oh, she was definitely drunk. Leonard could tell by the way she was oh-so-carefully holding herself, as to not let on how drunk she was. Also Penny, when drunk, wasn't the brightest. 'Just now,' he said gently.

Howard added, 'We just rushed in because Raj has the bladder of a pregnant lady.' Without looking Leonard knew he'd shot Raj a glare at that.

This appeared to greatly upset Penny. Her face became a battleground of emotions, with horror in the lead. Leonard's heart lurched and he thought of that baffling message. Something was wrong, something was definitely wrong. That message was just as horrible as he'd thought. He so didn't want to do this now. He was exhausted and with the peanut gallery behind him, not to mention a sleeping Sheldon, he really didn't. And she was drunk. Maybe, _hopefully,_ her text was a result of her just being drunk and emotional. So, the most logical thing to do was to change the topic. 'Penny... I'm not mad, but what are you doing in here?'

'I don't know,' she said, her voice wobbling slightly.

' _Hey,_ hey, hey,' he cut her off quickly, not wanting her to cry. He thought of her initial questions and, as he was a very intelligent scientist regardless of what Sheldon said, he quickly analyzed the data and came to a conclusion. 'You thought I was home, didn't you?'

Penny pouted and nodded.

Leonard felt himself relax. He had probably just overreacted, thinking the worst of things. He had a habit of doing that, something his mother had never failed to remind him. Her text was probably some drunken rambling that only made sense to her at the time. And the something that was currently wrong had nothing to do with their relationship, but her own confusion. She'd probably wandered in, having forgotten he'd left, and been confused when she couldn't find him. He almost laughed but then remembered his slumbering roommate and clamped down that impulse.

For every bit he had relaxed, she seemed to get more anxious. Her eyes were darting everywhere but in Leonard's direction. 'Spare?' she asked. She burped, and froze for a second. After a second of waiting, probably, he thought, to see if she'd throw up, she stood a little straighter. 'Where's it?'

He frowned for a second before understanding her partial sentences. 'Oh, the spare key?' Ah, another clue as to her current state. She'd probably let herself in looking for him because she'd locked herself out of her apartment. Maybe that's what she had been trying to say in the text? He couldn't get that meaning out of her words, but then again she was drunk and probably had been at the time of the text. Plus, there were parts that were so misspelled that her phone's autocorrect seemed to have given up trying to figure out what she'd been trying to say. Where it did try to guess, he got words like 'wick' and 'sheikdom'.

He smiled soothingly at her. 'Alright, why don't we figure out what happened in the morning, hm? You can sleep here tonight.'

'No!' her voice was surprisingly firm. 'Home.'

Leonard hesitated for only a second before deciding not to pick this battle. She looked a little green, and not in the She-Hulk way. She probably just wanted to be sick by herself in her own bed. He could understand that. 'Do you want me to come with you?'

' _No!'_ It was nearly a shout and Leonard frantically shushed her. Part of him wondered why she was so adamant, but once again, logic prevailed. Plus, drunk as she was, he wasn't going to get much sense out of her. He'd figure it out tomorrow. He worked her spare off his key ring and handed it to her. It took her a couple tries before she could get it. 'Thanksh,' she slurred and pushed through their group, who hadn't moved from the doorway.

As the trio watched her wobble across the hall, a thought belatedly occurred to Leonard: She kept the spare key to his apartment on her key chain with the rest of her keys. How had she managed to lose her own key but not his?

Howard whistled.

The harsh florescent light of the hallway had caused all three men to simultaneously realize that Penny was wearing a shirt and nothing else.

Raj said, 'Dude, I didn't know your girlfriend liked the Flash!'

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 **A/N** : And there's Chapter 2! Mm yes, things are starting to change.

As requested, I am working on a second chapter for Relinquishment. It may be a story with a sequel or it may be all in one story. Not sure yet.

Fun fact I learned doing research for this chapter: Blacksmiths specifically refer to metalsmiths who work and forge with hot metal like iron and whatnot. The opposite is a whitesmith, who works with tin and pewter, or 'cold metals'. This fic doesn't feature blacksmiths any more than was mentioned in this chapter, so the amount of research I did was a little disproportionate to the importance. I was really just looking for clever blacksmith-themed pick up lines OR punishments. Once again, I fell down a rabbit hole.

SPOILERS: These little fun facts are probably going to feature on every chapter. The rabbit hole is a common occurrence for me.

Read and review!


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